Letter to Boston Fans

Dear Boston Sports Fans:

Relax, have a drink of water. You guys have been talking and going 100 mph ever since the end of July. Yes, you got Eric Gagne, Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett, and Randy Moss. That’s a hell of a list. But it’s a hell of a list that has won absolutely nothing. These additions may look good on paper, but I’m going tell you why they will not lead to ANY championships for Boston.

First off, let’s address the Red Sox, Eric Gagne deal. He’s a washed-up closer who isn’t even closing for you. 7 runs in 4 innings is a heck of start. You had a solid 8th inning guy but now Francona has forgot how to use him. Your lead in the East has been shrunk to 5 games and everyone knows the Red Sox always choke away the lead. The team and you guys are scared of the Yankees. Admit it. You all know that the series at the end of the month with the Yanks in NY is where they will take over the AL East lead after they sweep you under the rug. Maybe if Schilling paints another blood stain on his sock it will motivate the team like it did the last time the douche bag tricking “Red Sox Nation.”

(By the way, who invented “Red Sox Nation?” Come on, Boston. It’s a joke. Your dumb chants in the stands about “Lets Go Red Sox” is from 12 and under and no one wants to hear you kiss Ortiz’s ass anymore then you already do. I hope you filed as a 3rd-world nation with NATO, cause that’s what you are.)

Secondly, I hope you don’t like team chemistry too much. Cause all that hard work the Patriots did in the early 2000’s to be known as a group of players that cares more about the team than the individual is out the door with Randy Moss. Sure he says and does the right things in training camp, but what’s going happen when in Week 7 the Dolphins are handing them their asses and Moss has zero catches in the 4th quarter. You can kiss that good nature good-bye and expect him to start fake-mooning Belichick, at which time he will pull his hoody down over his eyes and pretend not see him.

Finally, we need to talk about the Celtics. I’ve never heard of a basketball team winning the championship with only 3 players on the roster. The supporting cast for the trio is laughable. How are they even going to get the ball up the court? Allen is injury-plagued and weak. Garnett has no leadership abilities and doesn’t want to take the big shot. Pierce will still want to take his 30 shots a game, therefore never passing the ball. The icing on the cake is the fact that Doc Rivers couldn’t coach his way out of a paper sack and Danny Ainge might trade away the Celtic’s next four 1st round picks in order to get Stephon Marbury to play point. If the Eastern Conference wasn’t so weak the Celtics wouldn’t even be in the discussion for the Finals. It’s too bad Cleveland is the best the East has to offer, talk about pathetic.

So as you can see, championships aren’t won on paper. Which I guess you guys already know. They are won by invoking little-known tuck rules and the biggest choke job in the history of the MLB playoffs. Too bad Tim Donaghy got caught or he might have laid $5,000 on the Celtics to win the championship. He was the best chance you had.